Day 102: So Which is It?

Full disclosure: I’m tipsy. I hosted a taco night for the fam.

2 of my sisters and their spouses/kids came over tonight.

I haven’t seen my baby sister since the Hashimoto diagnosis.

When I first shared in our family group chat (early Dec) she immediately jumped on the offense. “Why are they recommending diet change? You need to be on meds immediately.”.

I shot it down saying I didn’t want to get on the drugs because it’s a lifelong sentence. I would start with the diet change.

When she came in she asked how I was doing. I told her I wasn’t sure because i’ve been drinking a lot to cope with the diagnosis.

I don’t want to be like this and I know it’s not good for my mental health but the diagnosis also isn’t good for my mental health.

It does feel like I’m coming out of the fog of wanting to be hungover rather than dealing with the diagnosis. When you drink and feel like shit you can blame it on the alcohol. When you have a lifelong diagnosis and know that feeling like shit is something you can’t control except for “managing stress” it’s extremely stressful.

I’m having a mental health identity crisis over this.

I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder during the pandemic when I went in to be diagnosed with ADHD. I’d learned so much about all types of ADHD and very much identified as an inattentive ADHD diagnosis. But, the doctors said I did too well on the Conners computer test so wouldn’t diagnose me. I fought back and the psychologist recommended a $3k study of my brain at a local college. Because I’m a cheap ass, I wrote it off. I would never be willing to pay money for a diagnosis that I already had that I didn’t plan to treat.

The thought of being on long-term prescription drugs has always freaked me out. So instead I have white knuckled it. Which I hate because I look at others and think that they should be and stay on drugs no matter what.

The truth is, you can do it on your own… but it’s so fucking exhausting. God I’m so tired. All of the time.

I tried to kill myself when I was 19 but it didn’t work. I woke up from the attempt with an external voice that said “you’re here for a reason”.

I didn’t want to believe it. But I did. Wholeheartedly. I knew and know that I’m here and I’m going through the struggle to help others keep keeping on.

But how much is it physiological and psychological?

Am I ADHD or is it Hoshimoto?

Has this disease been silently killing me with the inability to function at a normal energy level?

I was also diagnosed in my mid 30’s as PMDD. It’s all a crap shoot and i’m so tired. Tired of being tried.