Day 138: Would You Pay for Cool Lessons? I Tried To!

When I was 8 or 9 I asked my older sister if I could pay her for cool lessons.

We had just pulled up to a Holiday Inn 2 days into a 5 day voyage to visit my moms family. I was determined that when we made the next move and started a new school, I was not going to be a loner. So during the drive I devised the plan to ask her for cool lessons and tell her I was willing to pay for them. She thought it was ridiculous and told me as much.

My dad was in the Air Force so we moved every few years. My oldest sister was an academic and mostly cared about school. My fellow middle sibling was extremely social. She loved making and having friends.

I was extremely shy back then. Why do we say shy? I wasn’t shy.

I was overwhelmed by the stimulation. So many kids in a class. Looking to see what everyone was wearing. Shuffling in and out of the classroom. If the door was open, listening to what was happening in the hallway.

When the teacher would instruct, if I had no interest I would tune out. Like literally couldn’t hear the teacher.

I would get lost in my own thoughts.

Not always creative thoughts, sometimes it was just looking at the familiar things.

The exposed part of the desk I sat in every day. It was fake wood so what was underneath the worn part? Why the coloration change but the desk still seemed flat, with no slope?

The legs on the desk in front of me, especially the one that was shorter than the other 3. The teachers desk. Or what she was wearing.

Anyway, as you can guess: there wasn’t a line of peers asking to meet the new girl when we moved. Because I was in my head, I didn’t think to glom onto anyone. I usually had one or two friends wherever we lived. How those friendships started…God only knows.

We had the 15 yo’s final game this afternoon. I talked to my buddy the whole game. The one from yesterday’s entry. A couple other mom friends stopped by and chatted with us for a bit. We were leaving and my husband went around the gym saying hi and chatting with everyone. I was thinking, “I just spent an hour chatting with Ms. Nancy, I’m good to go.”. But Ryan… Ryan wants to make sure not one known person gets by without a hello and how are you.

About a decade ago I asked Ryan if he thought I was cool. He paused for half a second and said, “I think people who are cool don’t have to ask if they are cool.”. LMAO. Point taken!

Here’s the truth, being cool isn’t for the over thinkers. We’re too busy assessing everything that is going on.

Cool. Nonchalant. Carefree. Breezy. Absolutely not! And that’s ok!

I wanted to be cool because I thought if people liked me, I would start to like myself. Or not like myself but stop disliking myself. I didn’t even want to like myself, I just wanted to not feel like such an outsider.

Once I got past that, everything got so much better. I stopped trying to be what I thought people wanted me to be or behave like.

That’s probably when I started to enjoy spending time by myself.