Day 166: Safe Keeping

I got accepted into the writing retreat!!! The organizer emailed me this morning and I saw it at around 4 pm.

While reading the acceptance I shed a few tears and fully felt what it was like to be recognized and complimented by an expert for what I’ve believed so long to be my gift. What a validating experience.

After about a moment of full body bliss I took a screen shot and texted it to the kid who read my synopsis and narrative. He responded “Nice bro”. lol! Yep, that’s me… bro!

When the husband came in from walking the dogs I showed him. He said it was great.

Then … crickets. I didn’t share with anyone else!

I’m a weirdo when it comes to sharing.

It’s easier for me to publish here, or make a social media post (which I didn’t), than to reach out and tell someone. Even though I’ve purposefully curated a community of supportive people who don’t judge me or think it’s a tit for tat, it still feels weird.

Maybe it’s because I didn’t share with anyone (but the boys, my baby sis, you…and my editor buddy) that I was applying.

It could be because I feel extremely privileged to be able to just decide to go on a 6 day solo retreat.

Or I’m afraid people will judge me for being a flake and going off script by deciding to write a novel, instead of focus on my other businesses.

What if someone that annoys me says, “oh snap, I want to do a writers retreat. Give me the details so I can apply and attend.”?

My editor bud was so excited for me when I told her I applied. But I still haven’t reached out to tell her I got accepted. I think because I’m worried she will know about this retreat and somehow know it’s really a cult or a group of experts who draw in novices and then rip their writing to shreds. This is legit what went through my head. Editors know writers. It’s a whole community. Even though she’s in another time zone she would 100% know about this exact retreat and the exact people who organize and participate in it. She would see the CEO’s name and say, Run Marsh! (these dumbass thoughts I always have is why I know I’ll make a great novelist. there’s never a lack of far fetched cookyness happening).

When you keep good things a secret there is a cute lil bubble around it. I don’t want it to pop just yet.

I don’t want anyone to ask about the book. I feel like the team who approved the application are like doctors confirming it’s a viable pregnancy. But sharing this early starts the stress of answering questions, hearing opinions, receiving advice, learning horror birth stories, etc. Instantly becoming Marcia the preggo (Marcia the author) instead of just Marcia. It’s an identity thing that results in questions. And right now, questions are the enemy.

I’m going to keep it a secret until after the retreat. Except from you. I’ll still share here. Not the nitty gritty but updates. Maybe I’ll share with my editor friend too… sleeping on it will be a good idea.