Day 47: People Pleasing
Are you a people pleaser? Or do you know anyone who is?
The ones who are always willing to help. They host, parent rooms, volunteer, foster, buy extravagant gifts, keep the peace, etc.
I haven’t met a people pleaser who wasn’t extremely ambitious.
They don’t like confrontation for themselves, or anyone else. They think, “if all that is needed is a little extra work, I can take it on.”.
Im not like that. Sure I’ve done some things I didn’t want to do out of fear of being judged to please people, but it has never been an identity for me. I just don’t have the energy or executive function to please more than the handful of people in my home.
Regardless of how in awe and appreciative I am of people pleasers, I’ve had some confide in me that they wish they weren’t that way. The discomfort of someone else being uncomfortable is what usually gets to them. Or the belief in the moment that they have super human powers that allows every commitment to be done flawlessly without effecting other aspects of their lives.
It has to start very early on, this people pleasing persona.
Maybe your parents needed you to help with your younger siblings. They praised you for being such a good helper and it made you feel good. Especially now that moms attention is divided between you and the new tiny human.
Or a teacher needed someone to stay after and push in chairs or hand out papers.
I recall elementary school teachers always made it seem like such a privilege to be able to wipe down the chalkboard and slap erasers together during recess.
There was always a teachers pet. Someone that could be relied on to bring classmates to the nurse, get another teachers attention, do the above mentioned tasks.
Is that when it happened? School or home? Or both?
Maybe it was during adolescence when friendships and dating started to feel a little strained because of confusion or self doubt.
Whenever and however it happened there are ways to not be a people pleaser if you don’t want to be.
Seriously, take it from someone who rarely pleases people.
It’s literally as simple as not caring. Ok, I just laughed a little when I read that back.
Not caring and simple don’t belong in the same sentence. Unless! You buy into the: it’s simple, not easy. Then it could work.
Anyways… the next time someone asks you for something, attempt to remove the inner monologue or emotion around what they are asking for.
Don’t get into the:
if I don’t do it, no one else will
it’s easier for me to take care of this, I have experience
I’ve done it before and if I don’t again, people will talk
Or any variation from the above.
And when I mentioned above “the next time someone asks you”, that also includes when you there is a blanket request in a meeting, or an email, or even a Facebook group. You people pleasers can sometimes gaslight yourselves and see requests for help and think it’s specifically for you.
Many years ago I was a part of a group coaching program. One of the coach’s prompts was to “Piss someone off every day for a week”. And not like your husband or sister. This was actually work on boundaries (which is work people pleasers could really benefit from).
Anyways, the coach wanted you to piss off different people. The friend who texts way too much and it’s always about her, never about you. The retainer client who says something passive aggressive about your work hours. The person at the four way stop that starts to go when its your turn. The boss who wants you to take notes in a meeting. You get the picture.
This practice was so memorable and empowering. It helped me reinforce boundaries and also not feel like a pushover, which is more how I identify.
Maybe give it a try?
I get it that not saying yes and disappointing others can feel extremely difficult. Especially if the pleasing is to appease someone so they will accept you or depend on you. But if people pleasing is taking a toll on your sanity and ability to be there for yourself (and handful of humans that you can’t live without), take a look at ways you can prioritize yourself by being less available.
