The amount of time I’ve spent trying to figure out how to change the date that is showing up on the first blog post is annoying and frustrating. When I really think about it though, it’s probably been a total of 20 minutes.
But those 20 minutes have been spent: when I first posted it, when I went to make the second post, and after I made the second post.
The task of figuring it out is like a hangnail that I know is going to go away, but until it does, it’s going to bother me each time I make a post.
I think that’s the part that scares me the most. My ability to live with nagging annoyances and avoid them until the pain dissipates.
But the pain never really goes away, until whatever needs to be resolved gets resolved.
That’s the other scary thing. I can sometimes create results that are only patches, not getting to the root of the problem and resolving it.
The therapist I chatted with a couple years back when I was attempting to get an ADHD diagnosis told me that I’m very self-aware. And as I’m reading Dr. Hallowell’s “Delivered from Distraction” he states that one of the traits of people with ADHD is that they can’t truly see themselves.
I think it was through my sobriety struggles that I started to become truly self-aware. All I had was time to reflect. And to process. No distractions from dissecting each experience.
Was it ruminating or was it reviewing?
Either way, I became masterful at self-awareness. Which isn’t necessarily a good thing because all my short comings became more apparent. But along with that I was able to determine what it is that I’m good at.
I think that only came after taking the course Playing Big by Tara Mohr. She was the first teacher who I learned about the inner critic from.
I was able to pinpoint the negative thoughts that were on a loop causing pain. Once I realized whose voice it was, spoiler alert: it’s never your voice, I was able to recognize moving forward that their words/thoughts couldn’t hurt me. That they were dealing with their own traumas and did truly do the best they could.
